It's Not Gonna Work Out

Best Friend On The Payroll
Words by Morrissey, Music by Alain Whyte

"It's not gonna work out"

I turn the music down
and I don't know why
this is my house
I turn the music down
and I don't know why
this is my house
the best friend on the payroll
no no no
it's not gonna work out
it's not gonna work out
no no no no
the best friend on the payroll
oh no no no
it's not gonna work out
it's not gonna work out
more breakfast in bed
and I'll bring the paper in later
the best friend on the payroll
oh no no no
it's not gonna work out
it's not gonna work out
no no no no
the best friend on the payroll
oh no no no
it's not gonna work out
it's not gonna work out
more breakfast in bed
and I'll bring the paper in later
the best friend on the payroll
no no no
it's not gonna work out
it's not gonna work out
no no no no
the best friend on the payroll
no no no no
it's not gonna work out
it's not gonna work out

Players
Martin (Boz) Boorer (guitar)
Alain Whyte (guitar)
Jonny Bridgewood (bass guitar)
Spencer James Cobrin (drums)

Officially Released Versions
Southpaw Grammar album (August 1995) - Produced by Steve Lillywhite

Live History
Never played live

Sundry
This song is rumored to be about Morrissey's ex-boxer assistant/chief of staff/bodyguard/best friend/lover/whatever Jake Walters, who was Morrissey's constant companion throughout 1994 (receiving a "very special thanks" on the sleeve to Vauxhall and I) and the main reason he ended up becoming overly "laddish" in the mid-90's. (Yes, I think we can thank Jake for such dull fare as "Boxers" and Southpaw Grammar.) Jake stopped working for Morrissey in 1995 (supposedly due to heroin addiction - see "Sunny"), so it seems that the Best Friend on the Payroll was, indeed, not such a great idea.

Comtesse Review (as if you care)
This must surely rank as one of Morrissey's worst songs with one of his laziest lyrics. The first time I heard this song (and most of the rest of the woeful Southpaw Grammar) my thought was, "Where has all the wit and charm gone?" Really, there's no excuse for repeating "The best friend on the payroll, it's not gonna work out" over and over again for the better part of 3:43. The Morrissey of 1984 would have been appalled. The music, by Alain Whyte, doesn't help matters much, but a superior lyric and melody would have rescued it. As it is, I'd file this one under "forgettable".